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My sense of humour.


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#21 Lancelot

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    Lancelot the Beak now with a Kia Venga petrol Auto Type 3.

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Posted 01 February 2020 - 12:40 PM

Old but - One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.


The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#22 Supercar

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Posted 01 February 2020 - 12:52 PM

Corona Virus it all comes out in the Wash eventually or maybe The Foss or Ouse in this case :)


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#23 Lancelot

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    Lancelot the Beak now with a Kia Venga petrol Auto Type 3.

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    Red wine and Whisky, more Red Wine & Whisky.

Posted 02 February 2020 - 10:02 AM

My wife just found out I'd swapped the bed for a trampoline.

She hit the roof.


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The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#24 Lancelot

Lancelot

    Lancelot the Beak now with a Kia Venga petrol Auto Type 3.

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    Red wine and Whisky, more Red Wine & Whisky.

Posted 08 February 2020 - 10:55 PM

A Lady knocked on my door today.  She said she was collecting for the R.S.P.A so I gave her next doors cat.


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The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#25 Lancelot

Lancelot

    Lancelot the Beak now with a Kia Venga petrol Auto Type 3.

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    Red wine and Whisky, more Red Wine & Whisky.

Posted 10 February 2020 - 12:11 AM

I went to the doctor to tell him about my craving for collecting iPads.

He gave me some tablets.


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The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#26 Lancelot

Lancelot

    Lancelot the Beak now with a Kia Venga petrol Auto Type 3.

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    Red wine and Whisky, more Red Wine & Whisky.

Posted 12 February 2020 - 11:19 PM

Do not pop bubble wrap, it may contain air from China.


The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#27 granpa

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    started with this beauty in '02 now got white c3 pic blueHDI

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Posted 13 February 2020 - 09:11 AM

Dont send for any parcels from China either



#28 Lancelot

Lancelot

    Lancelot the Beak now with a Kia Venga petrol Auto Type 3.

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    Red wine and Whisky, more Red Wine & Whisky.

Posted 14 February 2020 - 11:28 PM

Nasa confirms 'potentially hazardous' Hemorrhoid will pass Earth safely tomorrow, it will be 3.5 million miles away.


The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#29 Lancelot

Lancelot

    Lancelot the Beak now with a Kia Venga petrol Auto Type 3.

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  • Interests:Computing. Grand Prix Motor Racing, Holidays in Western Australia each year, for 3 months.
    Red wine and Whisky, more Red Wine & Whisky.

Posted 15 February 2020 - 06:50 PM

I asked a German if he knew what the square root of 81 was?

He said No.

 


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The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#30 Supercar

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Posted 15 February 2020 - 09:09 PM

Nein x Nein = 81


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#31 Avon

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Posted 18 February 2020 - 02:07 PM

That horrible realisation when the toilet roll is empty and you have to shuffle along with your trousers around your ankles to get another one.

 

Luckily Tescos isn't too far away.

 


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2016 C4 Picasso Flair 1.2 Puretech


#32 Supercar

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Posted 18 February 2020 - 04:51 PM

Hope it's not Wuhan Tesco they had a robbery and took 99% of the toilet rolls because of their ongoing mini (Dare I say it) pandemic leaving a pallet for the security guard he/she will need them when he/she is interrogated by the peoples party.


Edited by Supercar, 18 February 2020 - 04:52 PM.


#33 Lancelot

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    Lancelot the Beak now with a Kia Venga petrol Auto Type 3.

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    Red wine and Whisky, more Red Wine & Whisky.

Posted 18 February 2020 - 10:24 PM

Two cheese lorries collided, De Brie was everywhere.


The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#34 stimulator

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Posted 19 February 2020 - 10:05 PM

A lorry carrying sanitary ware crashed today on the M25. It contents were all smashed. The police say they have nothing to go on.
17 Reg C3 Saloon Flair 1.2 110BHP
Previous Xsara Picasso 20HDi, C3 SX 1.4HDi, C3 SX 1.6HDI, C4 Picasso 1.6HDi VTR+ EGS 62 Reg C3 Picasso VTR+ 1.6 HDi 92BHP

#35 Lancelot

Lancelot

    Lancelot the Beak now with a Kia Venga petrol Auto Type 3.

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    Red wine and Whisky, more Red Wine & Whisky.

Posted 19 February 2020 - 10:18 PM

A local man started a company in the loft of his house building yachts.  He's been so successful they're going through the roof.


The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#36 Lancelot

Lancelot

    Lancelot the Beak now with a Kia Venga petrol Auto Type 3.

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    Red wine and Whisky, more Red Wine & Whisky.

Posted 20 February 2020 - 08:31 PM

When a recipe tells you to separate two eggs, how far is acceptable?    I've just put one on a train to Leeds.


The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#37 stimulator

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Posted 21 February 2020 - 12:17 AM

An Irishman wins on the pools and goes to buy a new car. The salesman shows him the latest cars and then asks how much had he to spend. I've £300 he says. Ah the salesman days I've just the thing for you and goes outside and returns with a large chicken between the shafts of a two wheeled cart. Here you go he says £300 pounds and it's yours. So the Irishman leaves with his new transport. He is very pleased with the set up and finds that out if town it goes well, he gets 150 miles to a bag of feed.
One day he decides to chance his arm at a long distance trip to see his mate. He sets off and soon the chicken is you doing 40 mph, he comes to a dual carriage way and urges the chicken on
They pass many other cars and then the shafts of the cart fail and the chicken jumps over the hedge and runs away. A short while latter a police car draws up. What's going on here then the driver asks. Well officer the Irishman says you are not going to believe this my big en has gone.
17 Reg C3 Saloon Flair 1.2 110BHP
Previous Xsara Picasso 20HDi, C3 SX 1.4HDi, C3 SX 1.6HDI, C4 Picasso 1.6HDi VTR+ EGS 62 Reg C3 Picasso VTR+ 1.6 HDi 92BHP

#38 Avon

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Posted 25 February 2020 - 09:20 AM

It's pancake day today. That really creped up on me.

 


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#39 cris1117

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Posted 25 February 2020 - 07:31 PM

Personally I don't give a toss.



#40 stimulator

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Posted 25 February 2020 - 08:49 PM

I've been battered and had my lemons squeezed all day
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17 Reg C3 Saloon Flair 1.2 110BHP
Previous Xsara Picasso 20HDi, C3 SX 1.4HDi, C3 SX 1.6HDI, C4 Picasso 1.6HDi VTR+ EGS 62 Reg C3 Picasso VTR+ 1.6 HDi 92BHP