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My sense of humour.


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#1 cris1117

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Posted 20 January 2020 - 10:16 AM

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

 

Love Jimmy Carr.


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#2 Avon

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Posted 20 January 2020 - 12:49 PM

I read that as Scalextric


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#3 Lancelot

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Posted 20 January 2020 - 11:27 PM

A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

 


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#4 cris1117

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Posted 22 January 2020 - 01:11 PM

"I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for a year. I'm not sure about you, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries."

 

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper' present.


Edited by cris1117, 22 January 2020 - 01:16 PM.


#5 granpa

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Posted 22 January 2020 - 04:09 PM

I heard they are good for a runny nose



#6 Lancelot

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Posted 22 January 2020 - 08:35 PM

I've just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only two of us on the production line...
So I have to make every second Count.


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The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
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#7 Lancelot

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Posted 23 January 2020 - 03:33 PM

To those who don't like Alexa listening in on their conversations they've made a male version.... It doesn't listen to anything.


The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#8 Lancelot

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    Lancelot the Beak now with a Kia Venga petrol Auto Type 3.

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Posted 24 January 2020 - 11:39 AM

Two nuns are out on a bush walk. After walking for a while they spot a naked man, sitting up in a tree.
Shocked at the sight one of the nuns immediately had a stroke. The other couldn't reach!


The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#9 Lancelot

Lancelot

    Lancelot the Beak now with a Kia Venga petrol Auto Type 3.

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Posted 24 January 2020 - 09:41 PM

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"


The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#10 Lancelot

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Posted 25 January 2020 - 11:48 AM

Two Irish SAS were sent to a Zoo after reports of terrorist activity.       They killed two Gorillas and set the Ostriches free.


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The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#11 Lancelot

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Posted 25 January 2020 - 05:33 PM

A Russian Acrobat who was a part of a Human Pyramid Chair has beed Deported.  The Team said "We now don't have OLAG to stand on!"


The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#12 Lancelot

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Posted 30 January 2020 - 11:36 AM

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows,

Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

‘What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'

'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor

SCROLL DOWN

This is good - wait for it .... .... .... ...... ....

'Your mother must have been a carrier'

 


The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#13 Lancelot

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Posted 30 January 2020 - 08:17 PM

Turning Vegan would be a Big Missed Steak.


Edited by Lancelot, 30 January 2020 - 08:18 PM.

The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#14 Lancelot

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Posted 30 January 2020 - 09:45 PM

Love this by Winston Churchill, Nancy Astor says "If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee"

Winston replies "If I were married to you, I'd drink it!"


The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
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#15 gittos

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Posted 31 January 2020 - 07:14 AM

Reputedly another Churchill/Astor quote....Mr Churchill you are very drunk, Winston replies, Madam you are ugly, but I will be sober in the morning.


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#16 Lancelot

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Posted 31 January 2020 - 09:38 AM

I thought that he was talking to Bessie Braddock on that occasion

 


The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#17 Lancelot

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Posted 31 January 2020 - 11:05 PM

REMEMBEREMEMBER YOUR CONTINENTAL QUILT WONT WORK AFTER MIDNIGHT


Edited by Lancelot, 31 January 2020 - 11:05 PM.

The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
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#18 stimulator

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Posted 01 February 2020 - 08:48 AM

It's full English breakfast from now on, no more Continental breakfast
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#19 stimulator

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Posted 01 February 2020 - 08:48 AM

It's full English breakfast from now on, no more Continental breakfast
17 Reg C3 Saloon Flair 1.2 110BHP
Previous Xsara Picasso 20HDi, C3 SX 1.4HDi, C3 SX 1.6HDI, C4 Picasso 1.6HDi VTR+ EGS 62 Reg C3 Picasso VTR+ 1.6 HDi 92BHP

#20 gittos

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Posted 01 February 2020 - 09:05 AM

2 full English breakfasts....now that’s just plain greedy :lol:


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