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#1 Lancelot

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Posted 22 August 2019 - 10:51 PM

Hurt my arm this morning and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me said
 
" Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!"
 
I was thinking eh?!?!.
 
I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side,
she said, "Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!".
 
I said to the next doctor walking past , "Here mate, is this the psychiatric ward?"
He said .......
 
"No sorry this is the Burns unit"

 


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#2 discv

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Posted 23 August 2019 - 10:17 AM

Well it's better than the tourette 'joke' that was picked as a winner at Edinburgh!


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#3 Ozzie

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Posted 24 August 2019 - 07:02 AM


Wassa ee zayin ? Whirrs ee to ?

ee gotta be vrom Scotland . ooh ar

down yer in Zomerset we speaks proper like

#4 granpa

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Posted 24 August 2019 - 11:30 AM

We have proper Queens English here, queens from every continent


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#5 Lancelot

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Posted 25 August 2019 - 10:46 PM

Queens?  Do you mean fairies?


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#6 Avon

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Posted 21 November 2019 - 06:48 PM

Driving by Regents Park the sat nav kept saying 'Bear left', 'Bear left'.

 

I then realised I was passing London Zoo.


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#7 granpa

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 09:21 PM

On the subject of Hospitals and the like, I have heard that diarrhea is an inherited complaint, something about it running in ones genes



#8 Lancelot

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 10:07 PM

Not one of my normal messages . Bit more serious . If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.


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The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
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#9 Lancelot

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Posted 13 December 2019 - 11:05 PM

Most of you know that I am an avid family historian and experienced genealogist.

 

But did you know that I have traced my family history back to my 32nd great grandfather who was killed at the Battle of Hastings in 1066.

It would be an understatement to say that he was unlucky because he wasn't involved in the actual fighting.....

 

HE WAS CAMPING IN THE NEXT FIELD AND ONLY WENT OVER TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE NOISE !!! :):) 1f642.png?_nc_eui2=AeGlFdVIx6JsRneFwqm-j


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The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!

#10 Lancelot

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Posted 26 December 2019 - 10:12 AM

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'WOW!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


The retired Beak with a 2ltr Petrol, Exclusive, Automatic, Picasso.
Arctic Steel - of course!